It's that time of year again: The 85th Annual Hollywood Back-Slap Mututal Appreciation Ceremony (also known in some circles as 'The Oscars'). Seth MacFarlane and Emma Stone are announcing the nominations for this year's Academy Awards as I type, so let's dive right in and see who's up for what.
Bear with me, folks: this is a liveblog situation and it might get grammatically unsound.
14:05 - Phew! That was exhausting. Oscar nominations are not a friend of the liveblogger. First impressions? Paul Thomas Anderson's The Master was the major snub, and Skyfall couldn't convert its mega box-office success into true critical acclaim, and we're a little mystified as to the nominations for Les Miserables, which - frankly - we found to be appalling. Thankfully, a smattering of nominations for Life Of Pi more than make up for it, and it's great to see Michael Haneke's heartbreaking meditation on life, love and death Amour nominated for Best Picture (only marginally more depressing than Les Mis, in my opinion).
Who are the favourites? Well, it's a fairly open race if you ask me: there are no clear front-runners. Lincoln will probably edge ahead in the coming weeks, thanks to Steven Spielberg's tractor beam-esque awards pull, but don't discount Silver Linings Playbook or Zero Dark Thirty for Best Picture either. As long as it's not Les Miserables I'll be happy. Sorry, Hugh. I love you, but even you can't excuse Russell Crowe's singing. Thanks folks, and see you at the Oscars! (Metaphorically: I'm not actually going. I don't think Hollywood is covered on my Oyster card).
14:02 - If you don't fancy reading back through my ramblings, you can see all the official nominations - including the technical awards (*spits*) - on the Oscars website.
14:00 - Finally, the nominations for BEST PICTURE are: Beasts Of The Southern Wild, Silver Linings Playbook, Zero Dark Thirty, Lincoln, Les Miserables, Life Of Pi, Amour, Django Unchained and Argo. Sorry Mr Bond, nothing for Skyfall this year.
13:56 - The nominations for BEST ACTRESS are: Naomi Watts in The Impossible, Jessica Chastain in Zero Dark Thirty, Jennifer Lawrence in Silver Linings Playbook, Emmanuelle Riva in Amour and Quvenzhané Wallis Wallace in Beasts Of The Southern Wild. Some remarkable stats for you here, folks: Riva is the oldest actress even to be nominated for Best Actress at 85, and Wallis is the youngest ever at just 9. Wowzers. Personally, I'm sad that Marion Cotillard wasn't nominated for her turn in Rust & Bone, but I don't matter.
13:56 - The nominations for BEST ACTOR are: Daniel Day-Lewis in Lincoln, Denzel Washington in Flight, Hugh Jackman in Les Miserables, Bradley Cooper in Silver Linings Playbook and Joaquin Phoenix in The Master.
13: 53 - The nominations for BEST DIRECTOR are: David O Russell for Silver Linings Playbook, Steven Spielberg for Lincoln, Ang Lee for Life Of Pi, Michael Haneke for Amour and Behn Zeitlin for Beasts Of The Southern Wild. Looks like The Master isn't going home with so much as a sprout.
13:51 - The nominationed films in the category for BEST ORIGINAL SCREENPLAY are: Flight, Zero Dark Thirty, Django Unchained, Amour and Moonrise Kingdom. Nothing for Adam Sandler's That's My Boy, what is the world coming to? No love for Skyfall either, for shame.
13:50 - The nominated films in the category for BEST ADAPTED SCREENPLAY are: Beasts Of The Southern Wild, Argo, Lincoln, Silver Linings Playbook and Life Of Pi.
13:47 - The nominationed films in the category for BEST FOREIGN LANGUAGE FILM are: Amour (Austria), No (Chile), Kon-Tiki (Norway), A Royal Affair (Denmark) and War Witch (Canada). We are totally watching War Witch when we get home.
13:46 - The nominees for BEST ORIGINAL SONG are: 'Before My Time' in Chasing Ice, 'Everybody Needs A Best Friend' in Ted, 'Pi's Lullaby' in Life Of Pi, 'Skyfall' in Skyfall and 'Suddenly' in Les Miserables. TUNES.
13:45 - The nominees for BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS are: Sally Field in Lincoln, Anne Hathaway in Les Miserables, Jacki Weaver in Silver Linings Playbook, Helen Hunt in The Sessions and Amy Adams in The Master.
13:45 - Blimey, that escalated quickly. Let's race through this.
13:41 - The nominations for BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR are: Christop Waltz in Django Unchained, Philip Seymour Hoffman in The Master, Robert De Niro in Silver Linings Playbook, Alan Arkin in Argo and Tommy Lee Jones in Lincoln.
13:40 - Emma Stone is nice lady.
13:38 - A man who looks like Philip Seymour Hoffman just waved at the camera. Don't be fooled: he is not Philip Seymoud Hoffman, in spite of how vigorous he is waving.
13:33 - Breaking: nothing is happening. Five minutes until the live broadcast, apparently. Timekeeping is apparently not Hollywood's strong suit. Knew I should have had my lunch earlier. Do Pret deliver?
13:30 - We're under way! Sort of. A man is talking but he's not famous so we don't care.
13:29 - Will Seth MacFarlane read out a nominee in his infamous 'Stewie' voice? Only time will tell!
13:25 - While we're all waiting for the live nominations to begin, why not check out our Oscar predictions feature? Let's all laugh about how wrong we were afterwards, shall we?
13:15 – We're still waiting on Oscars host Seth MacFarlane and Emma Stone to announce the nominations for the 85th annual Academy Awards to the world. You can follow the nominations live with the video above. But then, if you're watching that, will you even be reading this? Some times I don't know why I bother.